Thursday, October 15, 2009

#7 Hiding During the Bouquet Toss

It is hard enough for a single girl to attend a wedding by herself, let alone find some unlucky schmuck to be our date. Bringing a guy we are casually dating to a wedding has bad news bears written all over it, especially at the moment when the bride and groom are exchanging vows. This is usually the part where some of us get all misty-eyed (because our best friend has found the "love of her life" and we can't rely on her to take us out for cocktails anymore and talk shit about the guys we're dating because she is, ugh, MARRIED, and that just totally changes the dynamic of our friendship, so we're really mourning the loss of a good wing-girl), and our date gets all shifty and awkward like we expect him to drop down on one knee and propose right then and there. Note to wedding dates: we don't.

Weddings are generally infested with couples. The smattering of singles are banished - er, seated together at a table in the back of the ballroom. It doesn't even matter how we know (or don't know) each other, we are a grab bag of guests who have one lone thing in common: we are unmarried singles. You can usually see other guests glancing nervously at us, whispering, "Who are they?" Ohhh...that's the singles table. "Ohhh...tsk tsk."

Obviously, single girls are already a little sensitive, maybe even a little prickly, at the thought of being alone. And single. At a wedding. Is it not bad enough that you have sat us next to your groom's creepy co-worker with the mild case of halitosis? That we are getting lecherous stares from the single groomsmen? That now you want to single us out (pun intended) and shine a BIG FRIGGIN' SPOTLIGHT on us (literally and figuratively) in the middle of the dance floor so we can supposedly make a big fuss and clamor over each other for a bouquet of seasonal flowers that probably set you back $200?

Why don't you just make us wear a sandwich board that says "LOOK AT ME!!! I'M SINGLE!!! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!! LET'S GET ME MARRIED!!!"

If by chance, we aren't hiding in the restroom or on the smoking patio or under the table, and one of your attendants has succeeded in dragging us out begrudgingly to the center of the room, notice how we are lurking towards the back of the assembled crowd of single girls - behind your little 12-year old nieces. Oh no, you are NOT trying to throw it directly AT me!

One thing single girls dislike is our married friends' attempts at having us cross over to their side. They waste absolutely no time.

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