Thursday, July 15, 2010

#59 The Hills

Oh my god, you guys, are you just as upset as I am that The Hills is, like, absolutely dunzo?  I mean, I would totally be wearing all black in mourning but it's, like, 100 degrees outside.  (Duuuh.) 

Okay, so some of you are, like, probably thinking: Are you for real, Single Girl 1.0?  The Hills, REALLY?  You're college educated (so?), and aren't you a little too old to be watching that stuff?  First of all, shut your face.  Secondly, just because I'm old enough to remember when MTV used to, like, actually show music videos, it doesn't mean I'm "too old."  Whateveeeer...

You see, guys, The Hills is kind of a big deal.  It's, like, a cultural phenomenom recognized by legitimate publications such as Rolling Stone and important people like the President of the United States.  I KNOW!  Obama watches The Hills!  HUGE, right?  I wonder if he hosted viewing parties in the White House like I did?  (Hey, senators, take a drink everytime Lauren rolls her eyes!  Or have a shot when the cast arrives at an SBE-owned nightclub or restaurant!)

The reason why single girls like The Hills is because the producers created something that we can actually RELATE to.  I mean, that show about pregnant 15 year olds is, like, totally gross and crazy, and My Super Sweet 16 is just ridiculously tacky (and makes us jealous that our dads aren't billionaire record producers, those lucky bitches).

The Hills is essentially OUR lives, reenacted by thin, young, surgery-enhanced blonde chicks.  (And the token brunette.  What's up, Audrina!)  All of the drama we've sustained with frienemies, boyfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends' boyfriends, etc, is, like, ALL there - in neatly packaged, 30-minute episodes.  It's like the producers read our diaries or weblogs.  Or something...

The Hills is basically a disclosure of what we single girls truly are: emotional masochists with a penchant for unneccessary theatrics, douchebags and expensive designer shoes.  Seriously, think about it.

Remember that episode when Justin Bobby told Audrina he would go to a party with her, then said he couldn't go to the party and she was, like, understandably, a little upset so he "surprised" her and showed up with his completely inappropriate combat boots ON THE BEACH?  And then they got into a fight and he ended up leaving ANYWAY and then disappeared on her for DAYS.  Oh.  My.  God.  So frustrating!  That, like, totally reminded me of a "Justin Bobby" I used to date.

And let's not forget the "Brody Jenners" of our dating repertoire.  You know, that guy who is a total player and gets away with hooking up with our girlfriend after he breaks up with us because he is "Brody Jenner."  And because he is "Brody Jenner," we remain friends while not-so-secretly pining after him.  Meanwhile, he is, like, dating Playboy models and ex-wives of punk rock musicians, and all we can do is sit next to him in a booth at a club giving him the stink-eye over the rim of our martini glass while he checks messages on his Blackberry.  (I know!  Why does it always have to be so complicated?)

In true single girl style, every piece of dialogue spoken on The Hills was, like, incredibly intense, not to mention poignant.  And reflective of our own lives, not everything said was as articulate as it could have been.  Example: "He's a sucky person!  I hate Spencer, I will never like Spencer!"  Wow, LC, that was, like, really sucky. 

But then she would redeem herself with gems such as: "The only thing left to do is forgive and forget.  I want to forgive you and I want to forget you."  Oh, snap!  So harsh, but totally something I'd want to say to a girlfriend who was getting married to a guy who spread nasty rumors about me that were published, like, in Us Weekly.  Yeah, I KNOW.

Even Audrina - sweet, sorta cross-eyed Audrina with the perpetually vacant stare - once told Justin Bobby: "You're gonna be incapable of loving someone.  You're gonna grow up and be a lonely, old man.  I hope you do fall in love someday 'cause then maybe you'll actually feel something."  You tell 'im, Audrina!  Although I wonder how many times she had to practice that speech... 

You know how sometimes you, like, find yourself in a situation where you just pause for a moment and think: "Huh.  This is my life."  Like that time when Whitney got to model an Oscar dress on television on television?  (Not being redundant, she was being filmed being filmed on a TV show for a TV show.)  Remember how she tripped walking down the stairs?  During a LIVE BROADCAST?  Oh my GOD, that would totally be, like, something I would do.  I felt for her during that episode, I really did.

Or that time when Lauren ruined the Givenchy dress she borrowed for the Crillon Ball in Paris and had to hustle back to the store for a new one?  I, like, TOTALLY felt for her in that episode.  No, really, I did.

So now that the series is over, what's next for the stars?  More nose jobs or butt implants?  Most importantly, what's next for us

Well, as they say, "the rest is still unwritten..."

Sunday, July 11, 2010

#58 Fake Cooking

Do you remember that scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where Robin Williams (as Mrs. Doubtfire) attempted to make dinner for the kids before his ex-wife came home but ended up catching his "boobs" on fire?  Rather than salvage the botched meal, he ordered take-out from somewhere fancy, plated it and pretended like he made it himself. (Note to self: candlesticks at the dining table add to the integrity of the meal.)  I didn't know it at that time when I was watching this epic film, but what Mrs. Doubtfire did was purely standard for any single "girl."  (Also, Pierce Brosnan makes a hot stepdad.)

Single girls don't necessarily enjoy cooking and it's NOT because we don't know how to cook.  On the contrary, following a recipe is not exactly rocket science and we do know our teaspoons (tsp) from our tablespoons (tbsp).  It's just very difficult to cook for ONE PERSON without running the risk of overeating extra portions or having to purchase an entire container of nutmeg (when we really just need a pinch) that we would probably never use again.

Also, do you know how TIME CONSUMING cooking is?  I don't know how they do it on Top Chef, but I cannot dice vegetables that fast.  I'm convinced it's not human.  Also, boiling water or waiting for the oven to preheat takes, like, FOREVER.

What single girls do like is take-out.  Chinese, Thai, Lebanese, Mexican, pizza - there are SO many options!  And single girls like options!  Not only that, it's convenient, fast and reliably tasty.  Home cooking?  NOT so reliably tasty.  In fact, the outcome of cooking from scratch is often a surprise for us.  A bad one.  

So what happens when a single girl gets to that point past the mythical third date and we actually offer to cook for someone?  Statistically speaking, girls who prepare a home-cooked meal for guys have a 99% chance of getting laid.  Squeal, no?

There is a slight dilemma.  How does a girl with nary a culinary background (because heating Bagel Bites in a toaster oven does not count) create a meal satisfying enough for a guy to take his pants off in the bedroom and not racing to take his pants off in the bathroom?  And how do we create this meal with the limited time we have when our real priorities include making both ourselves and our living space presentable for our guest? 

Two solutions:

1) Fake cooking à la Mrs. Doubtfire.
Single girls quite familiar with the best delivery services in our neighborhoods can make a quick call (the number is already pre-programmed in our phones, of course), and rendez-vous with the delivery person at our front door.  (One perk of waiting for our meals to show up: we can use that extra time for eyebrow maintenance.)

If the meal is suspiciously TOO authentic to be plated once removed from their take-out containers (ie bouillabaisse from that French bistro), I would suggest heading to the deli section of one of those yuppie markets like Whole Paycheck Foods, Bristol Farms or Gelson's for their selection of pre-made meal options.  Or try places like Little Next Door or Joan's on Third if you live in Los Anjealous.

Another impressive trick is to place the take-out contents in a warming skillet on the actual STOVE before plating it.  Note: any and all evidence of the true origin of the meal should be destroyed, hidden or removed from the premises.  

2) Pseudo-cooking à la Mom.
I grew up on a healthy diet of hormones, additives and preservatives.  Some evenings, Mom would make heavily protein-based dinners that included pork chops, steaks or ribs.  Then there were days when Mom had a "headache," so dinner would consist of a casserole (made from pasta and Campbell's cream of mushroom), Hamburger Helper or Stouffer's chicken pot pie.

This single girl grew up learning the advantages of pseudo-cooking, aka taking "short-cuts" in the kitchen.  So when I offered to make dinner for a boy I've been seeing, I dashed to my local Trader Joe's immediately after work, and grabbed a bag of their frozen mushroom risotto and two chicken breasts.

While the frozen risotto was thawing on my kitchen counter, I took a quick shower. While the chicken was cooking on a skillet, I vacuumed the living room.  By the time the boy showed up, my apartment and I were immaculately clean, buffed and polished with a "home cooked" chicken and mushroom risotto waiting for us on the stove top.  

And yes, I got laid that night.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

#57 Advisory Committees

Much to our chagrin, single girls are admittedly insecure at times and, more so often than not, seek validation from our peers.  We have been plagued with making bad decisions concerning guys in the past - putting up with terrible boyfriends or letting go of the good ones. Hence, why we are single.

Doesn't it feel like dating has turned into a "Choose Your Own Adventure" novel for us?  What decisions should we make to end up with the man of our dreams and not sinking in a pit of quicksand?  (My fate always concluded in the dreaded quicksand, hanging over an alligator-infested swamp or worse, marooned in a bar that has run out of alcohol.  That last one was obviously a lie.)

Because having just one confidante and one point of view is never enough, most single girls have compiled an advisory committee of our most trusted friends.  This esteemed group may include: the monogamous girlfriend, the old boyfriend, the jaded single girlfriend, the optimistic single girlfriend and the perpetually single dude friend.

Much like the Supreme Court, the importance of having a panel with such diversity is to enable us to examine a situation carefully with varying opinions and perspectives, and help us make the best comprehensive decision on how to handle such situation.  A situation can range anywhere from completely inane (ie "What does he MEAN when he said 'I'll call you later?'") to serious (ie "Is it time for The Talk?").

The best thing about having an advisory committee is that we not only act as its president, but as its sole ruler and queen.  There is no majority vote, and we have ultimate veto power over the final decision.  So why bother with such a jury?  (I personally have always wondered about this with the actual judicial process.)

Single girls like advisory committees for three reasons:

1) We LOVE over-analyzing EVERYTHING - it's just something we DO, we can't help it.  (He's just not THAT into me?  Or IS he?  Then what DOES he mean by "I'll call you later?")  An advisory committee allows us to over-think, over-examine and really scrutinize the hell out of any scenario that has our metaphorical panties up in a twist.  Making a certain circumstance even more complicated than it should be is our specialty.

2) We LOVE talking about ourselves.  ALL THE TIME.  There are few things more validating for us narcissistic attention-whores than having a group of five to six consultants discussing and focusing entirely on us and our (sad) state of affairs.

3) When our advisory committee steers us astray with an unsavory resolution (aka the wrong decision), we have someone else to blame for the resulting fiasco other than ourselves.  And you know how much single girls HATE being wrong. Unfortunately, even the Supreme Court makes mistakes.

Now if you'll excuse me, I just got into a "fight" with a guy this weekend, and the members of my council are waiting for me to present my case.