Wednesday, October 7, 2009

#2 Kelly Clarkson

When Kelly Clarkson became our country's first American Idol back in 2002, little did we know that she would soon become single girls' idol as well.

"Miss Independent?" Oh yes, that is our song. See, single girls are very protective of our hearts. We know what heartaches and heart breaks do to our serially monogamous girlfriends - they turn into blubbering, weepy messes. Ugh. However, deep down, single girls secretly want to fall in love. So we meet this guy and he's pretty awesome. Kelly says, maybe we don't want to "miss out on true love?" I mean, every single girl (pun?) waits for "A Moment Like This," right?

Okay, so that is the last time we listen to you, Kelly. Because that "awesome" guy we opened our hearts to ended up being a complete douchebag. And suddenly we become that heart broken, blubbering, weepy mess. While we're boozily blaming Kelly for all this over our fifth vodka martini ("This is all 'Because of You,' Kelly!"), she's saying how we need to "Breakaway" or "Walk Away" or something... But we're not really paying attention because we're trying to tell her what "The Trouble With Love Is..." before we pass out.

Love stinks, and Kelly feels bad. So she writes us a new catchy anthem to sing to at the top of our lungs: at bars, at clubs, in our cars with the windows rolled down, even in the shower. Oh yes. "Since U Been Gone." Now this is OUR song. It has f*ck you, asshole, written all over it!

I mean, here's the thing. We did start out friends. It was cool! But it was all pretend! I even fell for that stupid love song! UGH! How dare he!! Let's go to the apartment that he shares with his skanky new girlfriend (they just met, how are they living together already anyway??) and trash the place. Let's throw shit from their medicine cabinet all over the bathroom floor! And pull all the clothes off their hangers in the closet! And jump on their stupid bed that they probably have bad sex on every night! Let's rip out all the feathers from their pillows while we're at it! How do we get him where it'll hurt the most? Let's destroy his precious vinyl records collection! Genius! (Who listens to vinyls these days, anyway. Exactly. Dirty fuckin' hipsters.)

Oh. My. God. That felt GREAT. You know what? I think I can breathe for the first time! I'm SO movin' on. (Yeah, yeeeeaaaaah.) Okay, Kelly, we forgive you for putting us in that dumb love situation. And thanks for helping us trash his apartment.

Really, Kelly, I think "My Life Would Suck Without You." Despite that horrible album you made where you pissed off your record label (don't worry, nobody listened to it anyway), despite your questionable choices in fashion (we can help!), despite your fluctuating weight (we get it! Some of us are emotional eaters, too!), and despite those rumors that you are a lesbian (it doesn't bother us!), single girls think you rock.

And don't worry, now that I'm single and dating again, "I Do Not Hook Up" in bars anymore. That was sooo 2005. Those days are "Already Gone."