Thursday, January 14, 2010
Our roommate is out of town, we've scrubbed the bathroom, hidden our dorky reading glasses, dusted off our nightstand, placed some matches next to the candles, checked for "supplies" in our goody drawer, and made the bed.
Tonight, the waxing, plucking, and shaving will not be done in vain. Tonight, the matching bra and panty set will make a grand debut. Tonight is the night we will get laid.
Okay, so far, so good. We still don't think he is a serial killer, and we had an amazing time at dinner - all the more better upon switching to vodka martinis after a couple glasses of champagne. On the way back to our apartment, he's humming along to Air Supply and we're wondering if we should be coy about asking him upstairs or just literally ask him upstairs. (Probably the latter, guys can be pretty dense.)
As the car is making its way to our block, we think about the best way to seduce him. Coffee, tea...or me? Except we don't know how to make coffee, nor do we have any tea left. Do you mind if I slip into something a little more comfortable? Ugh, SO overdone. Let me give you a tour of the place. Kitchen. living room, library, bathroom AND...BEDROOM! TAH DAH!
Now we're stopped in front of the building, but - what is this? There's NO PARKING??? $#@%^!
How could this be? There are absolutely NO parking spaces? Where does our date leave his car for a night with us, candle light, and goody drawer contents? Our eyes scan up and down the street for a couple more seconds as we hope and pray that a parking space will miraculously materialize. When nothing happens, an awkward pause is followed by a meek "Well, thanks again for dinner."
Dejected, we silently curse the dating gods for this severe injustice and shuffle upstairs as Heart's "Alone" plays in our head.
There is a common analogy among single girls that "guys are like parking spaces." But isn't it hard enough finding that guy ("parking space") who is neither handicapped NOR taken (nor too small)? Now on top of that, we need to find an ACTUAL PARKING SPACE for our "parking space"??
The paradox is this: single girls who live in big cities like to date dudes who are financially stable, who have vehicles (nice ones), who have clean driving records, and who will pick us up for dates. But then we are cockblocked by the very lack of parking spaces in our charming but trendy metropolitan neighborhoods.
Of all things, why should hooking up and getting laid be contingent on the availability of a parking space outside our domiciles?
There are clearly some easy solutions to this dilemma. Before a date, a single girl can park her car on the street, leaving her parking space available for a "guest." However, this may appear to be a little too contrived, some may even argue "trampy" or "desperate." Especially if a manual garage door is involved.
Another option involves the guy taking us back to his place. But you know how we feel about home field advantage. Finally, a third alternative for us is to date only really financially stable dudes (aka rich guys) with drivers and limousines a la Chuck Bass. They can't buy our love (yet) but at least we don't have to worry about parking spaces.
We can't really pass (much) judgement on that girl with a permanent "visitor parking" space available or that other girl with multiple permits for "restricted parking" on her street. (Snicker.) If anything, the rest of us are just a bit jealous of their situations. Now if only we had a "20 minute parking" space available for guests. That's the right amount of time, right?