Thursday, January 14, 2010

#29 Parking

It's a big night for us single girls!  We've been on a couple of dates with this guy, and he's picking us up for dinner tonight.  He made reservations somewhere swanky and told us to get dressed up!  Squeal!  While we don't mean to be a little presumptuous, it HAS been a while since we've, you know, (stage whisper) had sex, and we think he might be the one, you know, to break the dry spell.  (No, silly, not the other THE ONE.  Please?  This guy?  Pshhh.)

Our roommate is out of town, we've scrubbed the bathroom, hidden our dorky reading glasses, dusted off our nightstand, placed some matches next to the candles, checked for "supplies" in our goody drawer, and made the bed.

Tonight, the waxing, plucking, and shaving will not be done in vain. Tonight, the matching bra and panty set will make a grand debut. Tonight is the night we will get laid.

Okay, so far, so good.  We still don't think he is a serial killer, and we had an amazing time at dinner - all the more better upon switching to vodka martinis after a couple glasses of champagne.  On the way back to our apartment, he's humming along to Air Supply and we're wondering if we should be coy about asking him upstairs or just literally ask him upstairs.  (Probably the latter, guys can be pretty dense.)

As the car is making its way to our block, we think about the best way to seduce him.  Coffee, tea...or me?  Except we don't know how to make coffee, nor do we have any tea left.  Do you mind if I slip into something a little more comfortable?  Ugh, SO overdone.  Let me give you a tour of the place.  Kitchen. living room, library, bathroom AND...BEDROOM!  TAH DAH! 

Now we're stopped in front of the building, but - what is this?  There's NO PARKING???  $#@%^!

How could this be?  There are absolutely NO parking spaces?  Where does our date leave his car for a night with us, candle light, and goody drawer contents?  Our eyes scan up and down the street for a couple more seconds as we hope and pray that a parking space will miraculously materialize.  When nothing happens, an awkward pause is followed by a meek "Well, thanks again for dinner."

Dejected, we silently curse the dating gods for this severe injustice and shuffle upstairs as Heart's "Alone" plays in our head.

There is a common analogy among single girls that "guys are like parking spaces."  But isn't it hard enough finding that guy ("parking space") who is neither handicapped NOR taken (nor too small)?  Now on top of that, we need to find an ACTUAL PARKING SPACE for our "parking space"??

The paradox is this: single girls who live in big cities like to date dudes who are financially stable, who have vehicles (nice ones), who have clean driving records, and who will pick us up for dates. But then we are cockblocked by the very lack of parking spaces in our charming but trendy metropolitan neighborhoods.

Of all things, why should hooking up and getting laid be contingent on the availability of a parking space outside our domiciles?

There are clearly some easy solutions to this dilemma.  Before a date, a single girl can park her car on the street, leaving her parking space available for a "guest."  However, this may appear to be a little too contrived, some may even argue "trampy" or "desperate."  Especially if a manual garage door is involved.

Another option involves the guy taking us back to his place.  But you know how we feel about home field advantage.  Finally, a third alternative for us is to date only really financially stable dudes (aka rich guys) with drivers and limousines a la Chuck Bass.  They can't buy our love (yet) but at least we don't have to worry about parking spaces.

We can't really pass (much) judgement on that girl with a permanent "visitor parking" space available or that other girl with multiple permits for "restricted parking" on her street.  (Snicker.)  If anything, the rest of us are just a bit jealous of their situations.  Now if only we had a "20 minute parking" space available for guests.  That's the right amount of time, right?


  1. I prefer to just double park, leave the car running and THAT is the right amount of time.

  2. This is so funny and so true! I love "the one".
    I would bet money that if you invited him up anyway, he would find parking (even if he had to drop you off and park two or three blocks away). He wants that to happen as much, if not more than you do.
    I once invited a guy I was dating to come in and he replied, "Does anyone ever say 'no' to that?"

  3. Looking at this from a guy's point of view,if he KNEW you wanted to have sex he wouldn't leave just because there's no parking in front of your house lol. You're right when you say that men don't get hints. We are more direct and because of that we expect others to be direct. If you want a guy to sleep over, the best thing to say is "Do you want to sleep over?" Unless we just met 5 mins ago, or he's not attracted to you, no guy is going to think anything negative of you for asking that. Also guys are always afraid of coming across as being creepy, if they're too forward about sex, so you letting a guy know that you want him to come up solves that problem.