Thursday, April 22, 2010

#48 Blaming Our Menstrual Cycles

Ever since we met "Auntie Flo," single girls realized the advantages of using our menstrual cycles as a scapegoat for just about anything.

As teenagers in high school, we used our periods as a reason to ditch classes.  It's swimming day in PE class and we don't want the boy of our dreams seeing us in our bathing suit?  "I can't swim, I'm on my period and I'm bleeding really heavily today."  We can't handle another trigonometric equation during calculus?  "I'm on my period and I have REALLY bad cramps.  I think I need to go home and lie down."

Or who could forget that scene in Clueless when Cher explained a day of tardiness because she "was surfing the crimson wave and had to haul ass to the ladies'"?

Nobody questioned the integrity of our monthly cycles, especially not the male teachers.  They were so uncomfortable with our "time of the month," they would practically throw hall passes at us.

Now that we are better acquainted with Aunt Flo, single girls like using our periods to make allowances for:

- Calorie consumption.  Craving chocolate, ice cream, chips or donuts?  We must be on our period.

- Bitchy behavior.  Just snapped at our boss, the mailman and/or the cashier at the grocery store?  We must be on our period.

- Crying or general moodiness.  Just burst into tears over a parking ticket or a sappy AT&T commercial?  We must be on our period.

Then there are the activities and events we try to avoid by using our period as an excuse.  It's just like high school again!

- Child's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.  "Sorry, heavy flow day!"

- Networking event with bitchy co-worker (who must be on her period).  "Sorry, bad cramps!"

- And most importantly, sex.  "SO sorry, babe, I'm on my period."  (Usually followed by a cringe for a response.)

Because everybody gives us the benefit of the doubt that we are indeed menstruating, blaming things on our menstrual cycles can be prolonged when we place just as much responsibility on PREmenstrual syndrome, or PMS in layman's terms.

Just ate an entire Costco-sized bag of Kettle Chips?  Have a strong desire to karate chop that annoying neighbor?  Tears forming upon the realization that you will never be the first Mrs. Ryan Reynolds?


Not a lot of people realize this, but PMS occurs several days to a week before a girl's menstrual cycle.  Then after the whole PMS thing, our actual cycles occur over the span of several days to a week before our NEXT cycle 28 days later.  So it appears that girls spend about 50% - 75% of our time either PMSing or on our periods.  (It's true.)

No wonder we're all "crazy."

In conclusion, single girls like to justify our behavior when we're "on the rag" due to "the rag," but by no means is it acceptable for men to accuse us of being on said rag.  The next time I hear someone tell me, "Wow, you must be on your period," I will make him bleed. 

Or not.  Sorry, I must be PMS-ing.