Tuesday, November 17, 2009

#20 Elastic Waistbands

While Spanx gives us that illusion of looking like a size two when we are actually a size six, you have probably overheard a single girl complain about the discomforts of wearing such body shaping undergarments for more than three hours.  Especially since we only break out the Spanx for special occasions.  Like when champagne is involved.  And there is nothing that gets a girl bitching and moaning then consuming copious amounts of said champagne and pondering a way to relieve herself while shackled in Spanx.

For that reason, amongst a multitude of others, 21st century single girls would never trade places with our 19th century counterparts.  On a daily basis, we would be expected to whittle our waists down to less than 20" in steel or bone corsets.  While our ribs and internal organs are constantly crushed by such cruel corsetry, our torsos are subject to constant bruising.  We probably wouldn't even last for an hour before being carried away into a Victorian fainting room.

(Just for the record, the only time I'm putting myself in a corset is if it's being immediately removed, if you know what I mean.)

Single girls like - nay, LOVE - our elastic waistband pants, or "fat pants" as we affectionately call them.  Our fat pants are the first things we pull on at home after a long day in 4" heels and high-waisted pencil skirts.  Heck, "a long day" is completely subjective when you're tottering around on your tiptoes in ridiculous shoes and the waistband of your skirt is relentlessly digging into your abdomen. 

One reason why single girls are always hungry is because we can't, don't and won't eat anything when our stomachs are bound in skinny jeans (regardless of the 1% Spandex), strapless dresses, waist-cinching belts, and the like.  A perfect evening involves a night in our fat pants, of course, sitting Indian-style in front of the television catching up on Gossip Girl while stuffing our faces with chips and guacamole. 

For the love of fat pants, single girls can thank Thomas Hancock for the invention of elastic in the early 1800s.  But something unfortunate happened to prevent single girls from wearing our cherished fat pants in public.  The joys and comforts of wearing elastic waistband pants have been compromised.  For alas, elastic waistbands have become synonymous with grandmothers and nursing homes in Florida or overweight midwestern housewives and Walmart.

Three things a single girl never wants to be analogous to are: wrinkles, obesity, and Walmart.  And this negative stigma is the reason why our fat pants (and they are called "fat" pants for a reason) have been banished from the public eye and forced to stay within the confines of our homes and the gym.

Perhaps we can learn to appreciate our fat pants all the more since our time with them has been limited.  Perhaps too much of a good thing is bad for us.  Perhaps there is a blessing in this curse.  After all, did Cinderella meet the man of her dreams in a pair of sweatpants older than her last relationship?