Monday, November 9, 2009

#18 Our Crazy Girlfriend

Much like how we feel about Spanx, single girls have a love/hate relationship with our crazy girlfriends.  And much like Spanx, crazy girlfriends are oftentimes difficult to remove.

You know who she is.  She's the one we call when we're looking for more than just the usual humdrum Friday night sitting at a lounge bar sipping on martinis and trolling for dudes.  Sure, everyone knows where all the after parties are, but our crazy girlfriend knows where the AFTER after parties are.  Maybe we've spent all our cash at the strip club and ran out of money for a taxi.  Our erratic girlfriend has a way of finagling a ride home from some random guys.  So what if they're operating a truck from the Department of Water and Power? 

Clearly, our mentally unbalanced girlfriends keep our lives interesting and entertaining.  Most of our favorite stories come from nights spent with said girlfriends.  When we go out with a crazy girlfriend, we're following Alice down the rabbit hole.  Inarguably, a night of excitement and adventure awaits.

As awesome as our crazy girlfriend is, there are jawdropping moments when we realize how much of a double-edged sword she is.  For she is also the one who makes out with all of our male friends, the one who starts a fight with girls in the bathroom, the one who throws a temper tantrum while you're dragging her out of a bar, the one who calls you at 4am sobbing about her ex-boyfriend, and the one who has no recollection that any of this ever happened due to blackouts brought on by excessive drinking.

In short, this crazy girlfriend is a BIG MESS.  Our other girlfriends may be confused as to why we maintain a friendship with someone so sanity-challenged.  And really, isn't there enough drama in our own sad single lives?  Do we really need to inherit more craziness by association?

One word single girls like to use: standards.

You know those girls who keep less attractive. dumpy friends around them so they look infinitely more pretty, polished, and skinny?  When you're at the grocery store standing in front of the bread aisle (mmm, single girls like carbs), do you reach for the hot dog buns in pristine condition or do you think, "Hmm...look at these other poor hot dog buns that look like they've been stomped on and damaged.  I think I will take these home"?

Single girls like standards because our crazy girlfriend becomes a basis of comparison for our own sanity.

I was once friends with a girl who blew off an entire trust fund to pursue her dream of becoming an actress.  Ten years later, she is now one of those "accountants" you find on Craigslist.  Even more ironically, she once declared bankruptcy several years ago and had to buy a fake social security number and driver's license to lease an apartment. She says she wasted a decade of her life trying to become something she is not.  So she is now an aspiring singer.  She likes to drive her car smoking a cigarette with one hand and drinking a beer with the other.  She has no car insurance and doesn't like to wear seatbelts.  She is turning 31 soon and goes through several mid-life crises per week.

And here I thought I had issues?  Next to my psychotic girlfriend, I am the antithesis of crazy!

I understand that after all the crap that single girls have been through, we all need some form of professional therapy, especially since I've heard that love makes some people crazy.  Why are broken hearts not covered by health insurance?  Is Obama working on this? 

Those of us who can't afford therapy or do not have friends with psychology degrees may try a support group.  And then there are those of us who keep a deranged friend around to remind ourselves of our own mental stability. 

Keep in mind though: just because you are the sane one next to your crazy girlfriend doesn't mean you're not someone else's damaged hot dog buns.