Tuesday, February 9, 2010

#35 The "Friend Box"

I was in sixth grade the first time I was ever "friend boxed."  I overheard the boy I was in love with tell his friend that he liked my personality.  Translation: "I like her but I wouldn't make out with her under the bleachers after school, let alone hold her hand."  In hindsight, I am thanking my lucky stars I was such a late-blooming awkward child (and completely repulsive to guys until just a few years ago, whereas now I am just somewhat repulsive) because this very boy ended up getting some chick pregnant in high school and graduating a year late. 

I just googled him and he's a cell phone salesman now.

You are basically "friend boxed" if the object of your affection is absolutely disgusted by the thought of having sex with you.  "Friend boxing" is an epilogue to the "let's just be friends" speech.  "Friend boxing" works for both guys and girls, but boys find themselves in a "friend box" more so than girls.  (That's because boys don't really bother with platonic friendships.  Please feel free to discuss this amongst yourselves.)

Those who are immediately "friend boxed" include friends' boyfriends/husbands, friends' ex-boyfriends/ex-husbands, the ambiguously gay, the morbidly obese, and creepsters.  Those who are eventually "friend boxed" include those who let their diffidence get in the way of expressing their attraction and those who confuse us with requests to "hang out."  (Seriously, what exactly are your intentions with this elusive "hang out"?) 

Single girls like the "friend box" for its organizational elements.  With all the drama we already administrate on a daily basis, "friend boxes" help us compartmentalize a subject that brings us the most agitation: boys.

But Single Girl 1.0, you say, why bother keeping all these "friend boxes" around?  You'll end up looking like a friggin' storage unit.

As you know, single girls tend to be somewhat narcissistic.  As vainglorious beings, the thing we find better than loving ourselves is having others love us just as much.  This includes the guys we have "friend boxed" and doomed to celibate relationships with us.  We are taking advantage of knowing that they already adore and admire us and that's why we keep them around. 

Yes, we realize having us so close to them, yet never having us close like that tortures them with a sense of (false) hope.  And yes, we are evil. 

Is it possible for a guy to escape this "friend box" marked "chastity" and get into our box? 

Although this idea is practically unheard of, the short answer is yes. 

The long answer is: it depends.  We have different "friend boxes" for different guys.  Some boxes are made of impenetrable steel and welded shut.  Some boxes are made of recycled cardboard and haphazardly sealed with generic duct tape.

Obviously it's much easier to break out of the latter than the former.  And yes, alcohol helps.  Although it's sometimes just a matter of thinking outside the "friend box."


  1. As the owner/operator of one giant storage unit, this blog post is your best work yet.

    Nail on the head. Sank the moneyball. Painted the masterpiece. Good work Single Girl 1.0

  2. yes, just like the guy friend who gave me the Jacob speech. dream on, Jacob!

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