Thursday, June 10, 2010

#54 The Comeback Body

In those rare cases where a single girl does find herself in something that resembles a "relationship," there are times when we let ourselves slip with the calorie counting.  We may forget that sex isn't an adequate workout and that lingerie shopping does not really count as a cardio session.

Especially during the early stages of a "relationship" (aka the "honeymoon phase"), we are almost convinced that maybe our serial monogamist friends are indeed on to something.  Lazy Sunday mornings are best spent with sex marathons in bed, where we only bother to come up for air to answer the door for Chinese take-out or make, of all things calorically terrible, grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.  Of course, these are consumed IN bed before continuing to tackle another sex position recommended by Cosmo.

When we're not rolling like thunder under the covers (as Elton John would say), we suddenly understand why our non-single friends are a bit lackadaisical about scheduling sessions at the gym.  This time has been relegated to removing unwanted body hair and soaking ourselves in moisturizing bath salts.

Of course, as common with single girls, something happens to the "relationship." Maybe we reached an expiration date, maybe he cheated on us, maybe we cheated on him, maybe he cheated on us while we were cheating on him - whatever it is, one thing we take away from this experience is a few extra pounds of relationship weight.  Egads.

After a bad break-up, some girls are so upset, they can't eat.  (Bitches.)  Then there are the girls, such as myself, who are "emotional eaters" and drown our sorrow/anger/resentment in cupcakes.  And donuts.  And chocolate chip cookies. But there comes a day when we reach the bottom of that Ben and Jerry's container and realize, "Holy sh*t, did I really just consume a whole day's worth of calories within 20 minutes?"

We eventually return to our normal single girl routines - finding our center during yoga classes and punching out some of that aggression at our kickboxing studio (maybe he cheated on us with multiple skanks), then returning home with a smoothie or eating a bowl of cereal for dinner over the sink.  Before we know it, and much to our relief, those offensive pounds have given way to the comeback body.

The comeback body is absolutely crucial for a single girl after a break-up, traumatic or not.  Looking absolutely svelte and amazing makes it easier to attract new (and better) suitors.  In addition, the comeback body may also include the comeback hair, comeback wardrobe and/or comeback boobs.  Whatever it is, our comeback look can be the ultimate "f*ck you" and/or our inner 12-year old's way of saying "nyah nyah" to our former beau.

It is statistically impossible for us NOT to run into ex-boyfriends - especially if we were introduced through mutual friends, if he was a geographical desirable or if we stupidly added each other as friends on Facebook.  Ergo, flaunting our comeback body in his face(book) is like having the last word.

And you know how much single girls like having the last word.